Never Let Me Go
by gaaddict67
Summary: AU She'd thought she'd never see him again, only to be met with his blue eyes 10 years later. Story about love, friendship, and the struggles of being together. Based loosely on the novel 'Never Let Me Go' by Kazuo Ishiguro.
1. Chapter 1

A look of disbelief filled her face as her light green eyes met his gaze. Her lips parted slightly, sharply taking in a breath of air. He wore the same shocked expression on his face; his brilliant blue eyes never leaving hers. Feeling the room getting warmer, her face began to turn a bright red. Teeth gritted, she broke eye contact, turning to leave from the entrance in which she'd just entered.

Wading through the blurred sea of pastel dresses and white suits, she locked eyes with the door that now seemed so far away. She closed her eyes for a brief second, thinking frantically _'It can't be him. He cannot be here'_. She could hear the thud of footsteps behind her, following her as she began to break into a sprint. She struggled as her movements were slowed by the heavy fabric of her dress. _Don't fall. Don't slow down._ She muttered rhythmically under her breath. She could almost feel the cool air outside as her hand reached out for the door's handle. Suddenly, a strong hand pulled her back by the shoulder with a firm but gentle grip. Taking a deep breath in, she turned, already knowing who the hand belonged to.

"Meredith," he breathed softly, out of breath from his sprint. He wasn't sure why he'd stopped her from leaving. It was clear she didn't want to talk to him. Yet, he couldn't help himself. After so many years, all the feelings that once was came rushing back with a single glance.

"Hey...Derek," she smiled meekly. How many years had it been since she'd seen those deep blue eyes? She could feel herself getting lost in them, but her life was different now. She was no longer the Meredith that used to be so familiar to his tongue. She'd moved on to a new in her life, one where he no longer had a role. Yet, looking into those soft, pleading eyes, she was Meredith, young and naive. With one glance, she was the Meredith he knew and loved.

"How are you?" he asked. His eyes stayed on her, unwilling to believe that she more than mirage, careful not to look or think too hard for fear of her disappearance. He'd missed her. Her eyes, her smile, her presence… Her departure from his life had always left him puzzled. He'd never asked why; he'd assumed she'd tell him someday. Perhaps on the day that she would come back to him. But she never did come back.

"I've been...good," she replied, hesitantly. She could feel her fight-or-flight response being activated. _You need to get out of here_, she thought to herself. She wasn't supposed to see him, not now, not ever. This was supposed to be a chapter of her life that had long ago been resolved...or, at the least, buried. Even when she'd moved across the country to escape him, somehow he found her. Somehow he was right in front her.

"Good...good," he echoed. When she'd left him, he'd been so worried, so terrified that she wouldn't be able to take care of herself, that she wouldn't have anyone to take care of her, that she would lonely, that he wouldn't be there… It'd always been his job to be her protector.

"I actually have a patient I have to tend to right now. I should probably go…," she pointed to her escape route. Sure, she told a white lie, but some lies need to be told. Considering that fact that she could barely breathe let alone keep it together in his presence was enough justification. Before he could reply, she turned to make her way out.

"Wait! Maybe we can catch up sometime? When you're not busy? For coffee or something," he shouted out the door. She was lying, he could tell. It made him smile know that despite all these years, she was still a terrible liar.

"How long are you in Seattle?" she inquired. She could feign busy for the next week or two until he went back to New York.

"For as long as they'll have me," he smiled, nodding his head toward the party inside. "I guess you could say I'm the guest of honor," he elaborated.

"You're the new Chief?!" she yelled, in disbelief. She could feel the world closing in on her as she saw him nod in reply.


	2. Chapter 2

Standing near the railing, the cool winds breezed past her as she breathed in the salty smell of the sea. Whenever she needed to clear her head, being near the ocean always seemed to help. That's why she chose Seattle; it was surrounded by water. But even the calm of the sea could not untangle the jumbled mess her brain had become after leaving the party. Seeing Derek was something she had not been prepared for, something she never thought she'd ever need to prepare herself for. He hadn't changed, even after so many years. Same beautiful, curly hair. Same dorky, soft smile. The only thing that seemed different was the look of his eyes. The deep blue eyes that stared at her tonight were sad, the twinkle they once had seemed worn and dimmed. Those eyes seemed to be pleading with her, begging her to talk to him. And though she wished she could confess it all, confess her reasons for leaving him, for avoiding him, she knew she couldn't bring herself to.

She could still recall that period of her life, right before she left him. It'd been right after medical school; during that nervous but exciting time when internship decisions were coming in. All three of them had applied to New York Presbyterian, hoping, beyond reason, that they'd somehow be accepted.

"_Have you guys gotten your decisions yet? Presby gave me an acceptance letter yesterday!" Addison announced, running into Derek's apartment. The both of them turned to her, a look of unadulterated joy wore on both their faces. The three of them had been together since undergrad. They were the 3 amigos, the 3 musketeers, joined at the hip for the last 8 years._

"_I got mine yesterday too," Derek informed, taking a manila envelope from his brown, leather messenger bag. Addison snatched the envelope out of Derek's hand, examining and comparing it with her own._

"_What about you, Mer?" she asked, turning to Meredith._

"_Haven't gotten anything yet," she lied, turning on the television, hoping to avoid the inevitable conversation that would ensue. She had, in fact, received her acceptance from Presby; she just wasn't sure how to tell the two that she might not be interning there._

"_It's okay, Mer. I'm sure your acceptance will come soon. If not, you can always go to Lennox Hill, It's basically the same as Presby, just without the top 10 ranking," Addison comforted, restraining her glee. Addison had always been the ultra competitive type. It wasn't that she disliked or wished ill upon Meredith per se; this was simply a show of her superior medical skills._

"_If you end up at Lennox, I'll go with you. It doesn't really matter where you intern anyways, it's about your skill level," Derek encouraged, giving her a comforting smile. She felt bad lying to him, but she just wasn't sure she wanted to go to Presby. Yet, she also wasn't sure she didn't want to go to Presby. Creating unnecessary disappointment seemed worse than postponing her announcement until she had made a decision. It wasn't that she didn't want to intern with Derek and Addison; she just needed a change of pace. New York just wasn't home. Plus, she just got her acceptance to Seattle Grace, making her decision that much tougher._

"_I actually have to run to work soon. We'll talk about programs later?" she placated, tapping her watch to emphasize that she was in a hurry. She waved a quick goodbye and headed out the door. As she walked down the stairs, she suddenly remembered what she'd come to Derek's for._

'_I need that book!' she thought to herself, after waging an internal war on whether to return to his apartment or not. Cristina, her co-worker, had been asking for days to borrow the book. With any other person, Meredith would've just left and made a mental not to get the book another day, but Cristina was not someone you wanted to cross. It didn't help matters that she'd already 'forgotten' the book at least half a dozen times; half a dozen and one was one too many for Cristina. Sighing, Meredith ran up the apartment steps as fast as she could, opening the door to Derek's apartment. Thank god it was unlocked!_

"_I for—," she stopped mid-sentence, taking in the sight before her. Derek turned in shock, pushing Addison away from his lips. Addison feel backward, breaking her fall by grabbing onto the couch, confused._

"_I...came-back-for-a-book-but-that's-not-important," Meredith blurted before bolting out the door. Sprinting down the street, she quickly raising her hand, calling for a taxi. She could hear the thud of footsteps nearing as she got into the cab. 'Mere—' he yelled, cut off by the slam of the car door. He watched as he drove away, defeated._

_Inside the cab, Meredith felt her eyes welling with tears. She didn't quite understand why she was so upset. She should be happy, ecstatic for the two of them, and some part of her was. But the greater portion of her felt sadness, like her world had suddenly been flipped over and turned inside out. Her heart felt like it was breaking, like someone was squeezing it with all their might and refusing to let go. Her breaths got quicker and quicker causing the cab driver to give her a concerned glance. As the cab arrived at the coffee shop, she hopped off, racing to the store._

"_What happened to you? You look awful," Cristina commented as Meredith bursted through the door. Meredith gave her a death glare before making her way to her locker to change._

"_Seriously, what happened?" Cristina inquired, feigning concern. Meredith continued putting on her uniform, ignoring Cristina's questions. She could barely process what had happened, let alone explain it to Cristina._

"_It's complicated," she replied, hoping Cristina would leave it at that._

"_What do you mean? Like 'I don't want to go to Presby but don't know how to tell my friends' complicated?" Cristina asked. Cristina had been the only person Meredith had told about her acceptance to New York Presbyterian. As much as Cristina was an overly competitive, bossy person, she was also a fairly good listener. More importantly, Cristina had also just graduated med school and was planning on going to Seattle Grace. It'd actually been Cristina that had made Meredith realize that she needed a change._

"_It's 'I accidentally walked in on Addison and Derek kissing' complicated," she answered. Cristina's wide-eyed shock mimicked her own reaction to the news._

"_No way! McBitch stole your McDreamy?" Cristina exclaimed in outrage. Through the many stories Meredith had regaled to her, Cristina had developed nicknames for Addison and Derek. Addison was McBitch and Derek's McDreamy. Meredith didn't approve of the names, but no one could stop Cristina once she'd started._

"_He's not mine. He has every right to kiss whoever he wants," Meredith muttered, more to herself than Cristina. She had little reason to be mad. It wasn't like she was dating Derek, nor was there any rule between Addison and her that made dating Derek off-limits. It was perhaps the sudden shock of it that made her feel empty. Like she was alone in the world with no one._

"_Can we please stop pretending that you're not completely in love with him?" Cristina rolled her eyes. It was obvious to anyone with eyes that Meredith had feelings for Derek, strong ones at that. Of course, being the oblivious person that she was, Meredith herself couldn't admit nor see the truth._

"_I'm not!" she yelled in protest. She'd always thought of Derek as someone to depend on, someone that she could count on no matter what. Perhaps it was the fact that she knew she'd be the odd one out, the third wheel in their relationship._

"_Whatever. Did you get your acceptance letter from Seattle Grace yet?" Cristina asked, changing the subject. No matter what she said Meredith would insist that she was okay. Even Cristina could tell that Meredith needed a change of pace. And there was no other place to start anew than Seattle, home to the world's finest teaching hospital, Seattle Grace._

"_Yeah, I got mine in the mail today . I still have to think about it though," she informed. If it wasn't for Derek and Addison, she'd have made the decision to move to Seattle, no questions asked. But, it felt like leaving her family. They'd spent the last 8 years of their lives together; the thought of them not being around was unfathomable._

"_Come on, Mer! McDreamy and McBitch are assumedly together now! Where does that leave you? The third wheel in a two-person relationship!? Seattle Grace is the number one teaching hospital in the world! How can you pass that up? And—It's just an amazing opportunity," Cristina urged. She had almost added that staying and watching Addison and Derek develop their relationship would be heartbreaking, but she stopped herself, knowing that making Meredith face the fact that she loved Derek would be cruel and useless now. She knew Meredith too well to know that she would do anything for Addison and Derek and if that meant giving them her blessing no matter how much she loved Derek, she'd do it._

"_I know that I am lucky to even be considered, let alone accepted, but—"_

"_Meredith, I won't let you stay here alone!" Cristina exploded, frustrated that her friend couldn't see the painfully obvious truth._

"_I'm not alone. I have Derek and Addison," Meredith stated, unconvincingly. Cristina gave her a glare, making her look down in her folded hands._

"_Derek and Addison are together. You are just the other girl, the one getting in the way of there alone time. Do you want to be the third wheel?" Cristina questioned. She knew what she was doing was cruel, but it was better for Meredith to see the truth and leave with her to Seattle, then stay and live her days in emotional agony._

"_I…I…" Meredith muttered, at a loss for words._

"_Mer, I know what love looks like and you are definitely in love with McDreamy," Cristina stated. She looked at a dejected Meredith, sitting on the bench with her head in her hands. She could tell that Meredith was crying._

"_I'll go out first. Come out when you're ready. No rush," Cristina comforted, patting Meredith on the back before heading out to the register to tend to a waiting customer._

'_Is Cristina right?' She thought. Was she really in love with Derek? Was this why her heart was hurting so much? Was this why everytime he smiled or looked at her, she wondered what it'd be like to be in his arms? To have him hold her, not just as a friend...but more?_

_Tears streamed down her face as she felt a warm presence beside her. Of course he'd come for her; he always did. He pulled her in, holding her to him tightly as she leaned into his embrace. Her body shook uncontrollably as the sobs overtook her. She could feel him kiss her softly atop her head, rubbing her back in a circular motion to calm her. Her arms wrapped around his waist, clinging to him tightly. _

_**He was her McDreamy. **_

_As she sat there, holding onto him as he held her, she knew she had to leave New York._


	3. Chapter 3

Sitting in his wooden chair outside his trailer, he looked out at the moonlit lake, taking in a breath of the cool September air. He turned to the small wooden table beside him, picking up the cup of scotch sitting on top to take a sip. He loosened his tie before feeling around in his jacket pocket for the envelope. He could feel the familiar touch of the white envelope in his hands, fiddling with it before pulling out the letter inside. The flimsy paper had aged, yellowed with creases and stains. It was something he kept on his persons at all times; it was important to him. Carefully he unfolded the letter, revealing a messy block of text hastily scrawled in black ink.

_Dear Derek,_

_It seems silly to be writing a letter to you, but I just couldn't say this in person, call me a coward, but I don't think I can bear seeing the look on your face. I know that you think that giving up Presby for me is the right thing to do, but I can tell you, definitively, that it would be the biggest mistake of your life. You may not know it now, but internships, no matter how unfair it may be, is not solely based on skill. The hospital's reputation, ranking, and the doctors in it are just as important, if not more. And if you were to give up on the great learning opportunity that Presby is willing to offer you just to be by my side, I would never forgive myself. Eight years ago, standing in front of the hospital, I remember you telling us proudly that one day, you'd be working in there, saving lives. I'm not like you; I never knew what I wanted in life. My life has been a product of other people's wishes on me. I went to Dartmouth because of my mother. I continued onto medical school because of my mother. I've never made a decision solely by and for me. Now I have this opportunity to explore what's out there, leave New York and live a life independent from the influence of others. I know I'm being selfish and I apologize for abandoning you and Addison, but I need to do this, to find who I am and what I really want. I'm sorry that I won't see you guys blossom into the lovely couple that I know you'll be. It's been my life's privilege knowing the both of you and I'll miss you both more than you'll ever know._

_Comme il faut,_

_Meredith_

Tears welled in his eyes as he read the letter silently to himself. He'd always thought she'd call or write, keep in contact somehow, but nothing came. He even tried to contact her once, writing her a letter himself. But days became weeks became months became years no response came. Every time he'd check his email or his mailbox, he'd hope that there would be something telling him where she'd gone, why'd she left. He knew Meredith too well to believe that she'd left solely to find herself. There must have been something that had triggered her decision, something that had caused her to leave and never contact him again.

_Comme il faut_...they'd taken elementary French together one semester and found that phrase especially poetic. He used to use it to calm her all the time when they were undergrads at Dartmouth. Everytime she'd freak out about an exam or deadline, he'd bring her a mug of her favorite lavender scented earl gray tea and softly tell her _comme il faut_, as it should be. Everything was as it should be, as it will be, and as it always was. It always did the trick. He smiled bitterly at the memory.

He still remembered the day she had told him that she was leaving, the big fight they'd had about it. It'd been right after Cristina had called him to tell him about her rejection from Presby. When he'd arrived, she was sitting on the bench, crying. He remembered how he'd taken her into his arms, holding her tightly as she cried, clinging onto him.

_After what seemed like forever, crying in his arms, Meredith unwillingly loosened her tight grip on him, sitting up on her own. Using her sleeves as tissues to wipe her tear-streaked face, she turned to him, silently, not knowing what to say._

"_Cristina called me. She told me you got your rejection letter from Presby," he informed her, looking at her with worry. _

_'Cristina lied' she wanted to say, but knew she couldn't. It'd only bring more questions. This would explain her tears, her fragile emotional state. And now that her decision had been made, it no longer mattered whether she'd been accepted or rejected from New York Presbyterian. It actually made leaving a little easier, if that was possible. So instead of showing the blatant lie for what it was, she simply nodded in silent consent._

"_Lennox Hill has a great program. And don't worry, I'll be right there with you," he consoled, taking her hand into his, grasping them tightly. "You won't be alone."_

"_I don't want you to give up Presby for me. Plus—"_

"_No! I'm not going to leave you by yourself!" he interrupted adamantly._

"_I'm going to be fine, Derek. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself," she reasoned. She tried to fight back the tears._

"_Don't do this, Mer," he pleaded, begging her with his soft blue eyes. He could sense what she was trying to say, but he didn't want it to be true. He hated how selfless she was, how she put everyone before herself._

"_Promise me you'll go to Presby with Addison," she demanded, looking at him directly in his eyes. He looked down, closing his eyes as he felt the tears come._

"_I won't," he informed her, looking up at her with a look of determination._

"_Please Derek, promise me," she begged, squeezing his hands softly. She could tell that this was as hard for him as it was for her._

"_I can't do that. I'm sorry," he whispered. He couldn't imagine not being able to see her everyday, not being able to work with her, take care of her. Losing her wasn't an option, even if she was only going to be an hour away. Internships were time-consuming they both knew that. If they worked at different hospitals, it wouldn't matter if they were an hour apart or three hundred miles apart, they'd still be too busy with work to ever get time to see each other._

"_I…I'm not going to Lennox Hill, Derek. I'm leaving New York," she said softly. This wasn't how she wanted him to find out. This wasn't how any of this was supposed to happen._

"_Where are you going to go?" he demanded. He could feel his heart beating faster as his breath began to quicken. She was leaving? When had she decided this? Why hadn't she told him? A million questions raced through his mind; he could feel his body going numb._

"_Somewhere far away," she replied. 'Seattle' she wanted to tell him, but she knew that if she did, she'd never get a chance to move on, to stop loving him. And she didn't want to become a hindrance in his relationship with Addison._

"_I'm so sorry," she whispered, before walking out the door, leaving him standing there, dumbfounded. He continued sitting there; his whole body felt numb. What had just happened? How had not going to New York Presbyterian resulted in Meredith leaving New York? He could feel his heart breaking as if someone was slowly ripping it like scrap paper. His breath shook as the tears fell silently down his face. He stared at the door frame where she'd left, hoping she'd come back, reappear and tell him that she was kidding, that she was staying in New York. _

_But she never came back._


	4. Chapter 4

"You look like shit," Cristina commented as they met at the front entrance of the hospital. She gave Cristina a half-hearted smile before turning to go into the hospital. She had not had a good night's sleep to say the least. Her mind was still filled with images of last night. What does this mean? She'd literally had to drag herself out of bed today, dreading the moment when she'd inevitably bump into him. Unfortunately, the department of surgery wasn't the biggest place in the world.

"Derek is here," she informed, taking a gulp of her lukewarm coffee. Even though her back was facing Cristina, she knew Cristina wore the same expression she did when she'd seen Derek last night herself.

"Wait, McDreamy is here?!" Cristina exclaimed loudly, making everyone in close proximity turn to look. Meredith flashed her a dirty look, putting a finger to her lips.

"Yes, Derek Shepard is here. He's our new Chief," she continued, lowering the volume of her voice. It was bad enough that Derek was here; she didn't need anyone to know that she knew the new Chief. As much as she wished it wasn't true, the surgery department was prone to jealousy. If anyone knew her relationship to Derek, all her work would be invalidated by 'favoritism'.

"Our new Chief? Damn, now I'm never going to get approval for my trial," Cristina complained, a look of disappointment on her face. Being the head of Cardio, she'd hoped the new Chief would be someone who shared similar interests. Now all her hopes of getting approval for this new risky trial would be thwarted; from previous experience, Derek Shepard was not one to appreciate the beauty of the heart.

"Ten o'clock. Fast approaching," Meredith muttered under her breath to Cristina, plastering on a fake smile as their new Chief approached. Cristina quickly turned as well, quietly examining Derek as he made his way over.

"Lovely morning," he greeted, giving them a warm smile. His gaze was directed toward Meredith; he still couldn't believe that he'd found her.

"Morning," Meredith responded half-heartedly, giving him a sheepish grin before looking down, avoiding his gaze.

"Dr. Grey, could you follow me to my office? I actually have some things to discuss with you," he asked, keeping his eyes on her the entire time. Her whole body stiffened at the thought of being alone in a room with him. What did he want to talk about? She turned to Cristina for help, but Cristina was so mesmerized by his presence, she didn't notice Meredith's distressed expression.

"Yeah, ok. I'll be following you to your office, I guess," she replied, speaking slowly, hoping Cristina would snap out of her trance. Derek smiled; it was funny to think that his Meredith would be uncomfortable talking to him when they'd practically seen each other naked at one point, but then again, that was years ago.

"Ladies first," he said, motioning her to his office. She moved slowly, dreading the conversation that was about to take place. She could sense that this would be more a personal talk than a professional one. Leaving Cristina standing there, she made her way to the elevator with Derek close behind.

On the elevator, the two barely talked despite being the only ones occupying the metal box. He was fine just standing in comfortable silence, examining her for evidence that she'd changed. To him, she seemed like the same Meredith. Same honey blond hair, tied in a messy ponytail when rushed in the morning. Same warm green eyes, red from a sleepless night. He could tell that, like him, she'd had trouble sleeping. As he continued to inspect her, he noticed a very flashy, diamond ring on her right middle finger.

"You're engaged?" he asked, motioning toward the ring. Suddenly, he felt panicked. Why hadn't it ever occurred to him that she has someone, that she might be engaged? How had he missed the ring when he'd seen her last night? A million questions raced through his mind as the color drained from his face.

"It's silly really, it's a commitment ring," she replied, feeling slightly embarrassed. Twisting it around her finger, she kicked herself for wearing it. Usually she'd leave it at home, but Mark was coming to visit and knowing him, he'd be devastated if she wasn't wearing the ring. Mark had originally wanted it to be their engagement ring, but she'd made it abundantly clear that she had no intention of getting married at this point in her life. It was only after much persuading and some pity on Meredith's part that she'd agreed to wear it as a commitment ring.

"Oh," he responded hollowly, his eyes focused on the ring. As much as he felt a sense of relief knowing that it wasn't an engagement ring, the anxiety still existed knowing she had someone. He'd loved her, all his life, whether he'd been conscious of it or not. It'd only been when she'd left that he truly realized to what extent he did need her in his life. Of course, he'd never had a chance to actually tell her and now it was too late.

The elevator made a sound as it approached their floor, opening the metal door to let them out. As she stepped out, she noticed him standing there still with no intention of moving. He seemed so deep in thought that she didn't want to disturb him. She used to love watching him as he got lost in his own thoughts.

"Derek?" she called, knowing that if he didn't snap out of his reverie soon, the doors would close. She watched as he turned to her, looking her straight in the eyes, a look of yearning and vulnerability present just for a second, and then it was gone. He cleared his throat, smiled half-heartedly before stepping out of the elevator. His steps began to increase in speed as they made their way toward his office. When they finally got there, he fumbled in his brown leather bag for the key before opening the door.

"Take a seat," he said, motioning toward an ugly black sofa. He'd always had an affinity for ugly furniture; aesthetics had never been his main concern. He pulled up a small chair near the sofa, putting his hands on either side of his face, looking at her as he tried to find the words. She fiddled with her hands, looking down, afraid of what he might ask.

"I wanted to—you know what, I'm sorry, I just…you've been in Seattle the entire time?" he inquired, looking at her, a lump in his throat. It hurt him to think about it, the idea that she'd left him without a word, as if she'd hoped to rub him out of her life. He'd always wondered if it was perhaps something he did that had caused her to leave, something that he wasn't aware had hurt her. There had never been an opportunity to ask and as much as he wished he could stay professional, he had to know.

She nodded, turning to look at him; she could tell he was fighting back tears, his voice soft and shaking. Emotions that she'd buried came rushing back. She could tell he was hurting; it'd never been her intention to cause him pain. She was just selfishly trying to escape her own.

"You didn't write or call. How were we supposed to know you were even alive?" he yelled, his voice cracking as his emotions overcame him. It wasn't that he was angry; it just seemed so irresponsible of her. How could she not keep in contact? All he got was a lousy letter telling him she was leaving and weak reason why. There was no goodbye, no 'I'll call you when I get there', no tearful last hug and kiss on the cheek before he watched her leave toward the airport terminal. Yet, at the same time, some part of him knew that the reason she left had something to do with him. Something had changed between them at some point, whether he was ignorant or oblivious. At some point, she had made the conscious decision that she could live without him; but had she ever thought that perhaps he needed her, even if she didn't need him? There was so much he wanted to say, to yell at the top of his lungs, to let out all the anger, the frustration, and the pain of losing her, of not being with her for the past decade.

She watched in agony as he wiped the slow teardrops falling from his eyes, trying to hide his hurt. Her own tears were free falling, streaming down her face, watching him made her wish she'd never left, the man in front of her today seemed so broken. Her heart pained for him; she'd never thought that her departure would have such a huge effect on him. How could she have been so selfish? So focused on her own feelings that she never thought of others' pain? Of course, it had never occurred to her that her existence, her being had meant anything to him, at least not as much as the effects it seemed to have now. She didn't know how to respond to his question; how was she supposed to tell him that she was in love with him? That she might _still_ have feelings for him? How could she tell him that it wasn't that she didn't write, it was that she didn't send them? All 356 emails, typed and saved in her drafts folder, never sent, never read by anyone but her. It wasn't that she didn't want to send them, but she knew that sending any of them would only cause more pain for the both of them. There was so much she wanted to tell him; she wanted to tell him the truth, she wanted to tell him everything, but instead what came out of her mouth was a pathetic 'I'm sorry'.

He should've expected that she wouldn't answer him; and she knew that he wouldn't push. There was something she was hiding, and he wanted to know, more than anything in the world, what it was, but he also wanted to respect her and trust that one day, some day, she'd tell him willingly. There was so much he wanted to ask, so much he wanted to say, but this was neither the time nor the place. He was aware of his abuse of power, making her come into the office like this to talk about personal matters, but at this point, he no longer cared. If it took using his power as chief for him to talk to her, then so be it.

**He would risk his life for her**, a job seemed like nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

The two of them sat there in silence, neither one of them knowing what to say to the other. There was so much left unsaid, yet so little that could be said. They just sat, looking into their hands, both sorry, yet not quite sure why specifically. Just as Derek opened his mouth to speak, Meredith's pager rang. She took the beeper out of her coat pocket, checking to see what had happened.

"Kyle Johnson's brain aneurysm just burst," she explained hurriedly as she pushed her way out of the office, sprinting to the patient's room. He smiled; he'd always known she'd be a great surgeon. Her level of care and compassion coupled with her skill and intelligence made her the perfect neurosurgeon, one of best in the nation. As much as he'd like to drudge up the past and figure everything out, he knew it was probably best to leave it alone for a while and just enjoy having her in his life now. Perhaps they could catch up, pick right back up from ten years ago.

* * *

Meredith walked out of the OR, pulling her scrub cap off. Slowly, she walked to the nearest on call room, head down. She was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Ten hours in the operating room, eight of them trying to get the patient in stable condition. There had been too many complications; she should've operated before the aneurysm had a chance to burst! She'd missed her window of opportunity! Despite her years on the job, it was still hard on her when her patients died, especially if they had been seemingly healthy just a day ago. She knew not to get attached to patients, that it'd only hurt more if they didn't make it. Yet, she couldn't stop herself from getting close. It's hard every time a patient dies on the table, but Kyle's death had affected her more than usual. She remembered him making plans for the future, a future that he seemed so sure he'd have.

"_When I get out of here, Dr. Grey, you know what's the first thing I'm going to do?" Mr. Johnson asked as he laid on the hospital bed, hands folded behind his head, staring at the ceiling in thought._

"_What?" she asked, smiling as she finished her notes on the clipboard. She loved his optimistic attitude; so many patients go into the operating room expecting the worst and usually the optimistic ones are the ones who have a better time on the table. He was also very young, 19 year old college student; he had a bright future ahead of him._

"_I'm going to tell Alice I love her and ask her to be my girlfriend," he whispered, giving her a sly smile. He was referring to the blonde woman who frequented his room, catering to his needs. She'd always assumed she was his girlfriend from the way she tended to him, carefully with love._

"_Is that so? And what's stopping you from telling her now?" she asked, raising an eyebrow._

"_Well, I mean, I've loved her since the first day I met her in economics with Professor Flinger when she shared her book with me, but she had a boyfriend then and I couldn't tell her to break up with him, so I decided friends with her was better than nothing. But after this brain thing, it's like...I don't want to live not knowing whether she would've chosen me or not. I've never liked being the wimp anyways. And I don't want to tell her now, because I want her to choose me for me, not because of pity. You know what I mean?" he explained, looking up at her._

"_I think I know exactly what you mean," she reassured, giving him a knowing smile. She could tell he was looking for someone to tell him he wasn't crazy. She admired his clear-headedness. Her nineteen year old self would've never been able to handle having an aneurysm; she'd probably would've been moping and wallowing in self-pity._

_"Well, everything here seems fine. Your surgery is in a week, so eat up and conserve your energy, so you can live to tell that girl of yours you love her. Just in time for Christmas," she smiled, before making to head out the room._

_"Thanks, doc. But she's not mine yet!" he said, waving her a goodbye before turning his head up to the ceiling in thought._

She heard a knock on the door, knowing exactly who it was. Opening the door, she was faced with a frightened intern, head down, afraid to look at her.

"Dr. Grey, the patient's family wants an update," the intern stuttered. She could tell that he was scared; he had every reason to be. In most cases, it was a rule of thumb not to disturb the attending on case after a death. She nodded to the intern, waving him away as he briskly walked away, relieved to have escaped her 'wrath'. She let out a sigh, bracing herself for the tears and the begging to try again, try harder. It always pained her when parents got down on their knees and begged her, as if getting down on their knees would bring him back from the dead. Sometimes she felt like just breaking down and crying with them, especially the ones that she'd gotten to know. But she knew she had to be the strong one, to offer support. She had no right to fall apart.

As she slowly walked down the seemingly long tunnel, she felt a hand on her shoulder as she turned, she was met with his blue eyes. He looked at her with a worried expression; he must have heard what had happened.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" he asked, feeling slightly guilty for holding her up this morning. He knew that there had been no way to prevent this from happening and ultimately the meeting this morning would not have saved the kid, but for some reason, he felt responsible. Looking into her soft emerald eyes, it felt as if he'd been the one with the scalpel, the one to call time of death, the one that failed. It took all his willpower to not take her into his arms, tell her it was okay, that it wasn't her fault.

"I'm uh...I'm going to tell the parents right now," she muttered, pointing to the direction she was headed. Looking into his eyes, she felt better, safer. He'd always had that effect on her; whenever she was panicked or melancholy, looking into his eyes always helped her calm down, escape the pain for just one second. She wished she was in his arms, safe and protected from the world, from the pain of having to tell the parents, to tell the girl.

"I'll go with you," he said, confidently. It wasn't a question as it was a demand. She knew that even if she insisted she was fine, he'd still accompany her. It wasn't that he didn't trust that she would be a professional and handle the situation; it was more a lending of support.

She nodded silently before continuing down the tunnel. After walking in comfortable silence for what seemed like forever, they finally reached the waiting room, where she saw Kyle's parents, pacing worriedly. Near them sat Alice, looking down into her hands deep in thought. She swallowed, bracing herself for the flood of emotions that would occur.

"Dr. Grey, how is my son doing? Is he out of surgery already?" Mrs. Johnson asked, bombarding her with questions as soon as she made eye contact.

"I'm so sorry. Kyle—"

"No! You have to save him, Dr. Grey! Please!" she bursted in tears. Her hands latched onto Meredith's arm, shaking it profusely. "I'll pay you extra. Please!"

"I'm sorry. There were complications in the surgery..."

"How did this happen?" Alice asked, standing up from her chair in the corner. Her soft hazel eyes pooled with tears.

"His aneurysm bursted unexpectedly and by the time we operated it was already too late. There was too much blood in the brain. I'm so sorry for your loss," she recited. This was protocol. State the facts, express your condolences. That's how you stay clear of malpractice suits. But looking into that girl's sad brown eyes she couldn't stop herself. "He loved you. He wanted you to know that."

"What?" Alice turned to her, a look of surprise clear on her face. She didn't know if she was doing the right thing telling Alice; she knew that this may cause more misery than comfort, but she should know, right?

"He loved you. He wanted to be with you after all of this was over, at least that's what he told me," she explained. For a moment, there was silence, everyone taking in all the information they had been given. A son dead. A confession unspoken.

"Why would you tell me that?" the girl asked finally breaking the silence. Her soft hazel eyes hardened in anger and pain directed at Meredith.

"I just thought—"

"You just thought what? That I'd be grateful that you told me? Did you ever think about how much regret and guilt I have to live with now? He loved me! The man that I've had a crush on for the past three years loves me! And I find out when he's dead because of your lack of ability! You kill him and then tell me he loves me? It's too late!" Alice erupted, her tear-streaked face held a mixture of anger and sorrow.

"I'm so sorry," Meredith said, looking down. She'd never expected the girl to react this way; it was stupid to think this would help ease her sorrow. Instead of helping, she'd only thrown salt at the wound. The girl was right, it was insensitive of her, and it was completely out of line. She felt a warm figure come up from behind her, standing between her and the girl.

"She was only trying to help. At least you know the man you love reciprocated your feelings. Even if he's dead, you can be at peace knowing that he died loving you," Derek reprimanded, restraining the anger in his voice. How did these people not understand that as hard as it is for them, it was just as hard for her? She'd lost something today too. He could only imagine how much pain she was going through; it was brave of her to go off protocol, to tell the girl.

"Derek, it's okay," she whispered, holding him back. After apologizing, she left the room, walking briskly into a storage closet. She closed the door behind her before erupting in a fit of tears. She had never felt like such a failure. Her mind was jumbled with thoughts of Kyle, of how Alice had reacted. She didn't know why, but when Alice had screamed that it was too late, too late to tell her that he loved her, she felt a pang in her heart. As she sobbed, she felt so alone; here, she had no one to protect her, to stick up for her. Suddenly, the door opened, revealing a tall large-built figure. She looked up as he took her into his strong arms, setting her on his lap as she hugged his neck, crying into his shoulder. He stroked her hair softly, whispering words of encouragement. She buried her face deeper into the crook of his neck.

"I was too late," she mumbled into his shirt, muffling the words into silence.


	6. Chapter 6

He had never seen her so vulnerable. Her cold hands shook as she held onto him tightly. Eyes closed, her face burrowed deep into his neck. His shirt was drenched in her tears. In his arms, she looked nothing like the strong-willed, intelligent, stubborn Meredith Grey that he'd come to love. Yet, there was nowhere else he wanted to be right now other than sitting here, holding her. He didn't think it was possible to love her anymore than he already did, but seeing her so vulnerable made him want to protect her forever.

She muttered something into his shirt, but the noise was lost in the fabric. Taking her hand, he noticed the diamond ring he'd given her. He had never been one to settle down, but she was different. He still remembered the day he gave her the ring; how nervous he'd been just planning on the perfect way to propose.

_"Why are you acting so weird?" she questioned, suspicion in her voice, sitting in the passenger side of his car. She watched as he continued tapping nervously on the steering wheel; his face covered in sweat with each red light they encountered._

_"What do you mean? I'm fine. Just trying to catch our reservation," he answered nervously, giving her a half-hearted smile. Turning to his wristwatch, he cursed himself for not picking her up earlier. Picking up the flowers, setting up the boat, and going to the jewelry store to pick up the ring had taken a lot longer than he'd anticipated. Now the only way they were going to get there on time was if he drove recklessly._

_"Where are we going?" she inquired, looking outside the window. When Mark had asked to take her out to dinner, she'd expected eating at one of the usual Michelin-rated restaurants he frequented. Judging from their surroundings and the direction they were headed, it seemed like they were getting further away from the city._

_"To dinner," he answered quickly. Growing more nervous, he sped faster, hands clammy from worry. After 10 minutes at an unfathomable speed, he managed to get both of them to the harbor unscathed. Meredith looked at him questioningly as he escorted her out his car. She looked around recognizing it as the dock where she usually took the ferry into the city._

_"What are we doing here?" she asked, confused. They were supposed to go to dinner. The only thing to eat here was stands that had already closed. Why were they here?_

_"You'll see," he said secretly, taking her hand and leading her to a large out-of-service ferryboat at the shore. The lone boat was anchored at the usual loading dock. An elderly man stood by it, waving to them when he saw Mark._

_"Hey, Gabe! Sorry I'm late! This is Meredith," he explained, winking at the old man. They shook hands quickly before being shuffled onto the ferry boat. She looked at Mark, bewildered. She'd seen the old man a few times while riding the ferry boat; he was the captain. How did Mark know him? Why were they here?_

_"What is going on?" she demanded, taking her hand away from his. She didn't like the feeling of not knowing; surprises were not her thing. She needed to know what the hell was going on._

_"Just...follow," Mark insisted, taking her hand and dragging her into a small private room._

_When the door opened, she was bombarded by the smell of flowers, lavender. The room was dimly lit by a set of candles on a small table for two. Flowers filled the room to the brim with the occasional red heart balloon attached. She could feel her heart stop; a sense of panic rushed her. As she stepped into the room, a mixture of regret and fear overwhelmed her; she didn't know what he was planning, but this could not be good. Turning to him, she gave him a look of awe as he smiled back widely._

_"What is this, Mark?" she asked, scrutinizing the small room. She hadn't known such a room existed in a ship that was supposed to be a source of public transportation._

_"I know how much you love ferry boats. And I wanted tonight to be special. Meredith, sit down," he instructed. He pulled out a wooden chair for her to sit in. She obeyed cautiously, searching his eyes for a hint of what this was all about._

_"When I met you I was a complete bachelor and you were the girl at the bar drowning her sorrows in a bottle of tequila. You were just sitting there, knocking back shots and I was so turned on. I remember walking up to you with a hand-me-down rose a patient had given me earlier that day and smelling the sweet lavender of your hair as I whispered into your ear. I remember how intoxicating you were, like a drug that I couldn't get enough of, how even the morning after, all I wanted to do was hold you. You act so strong and independent, but there's sadness in you, sadness in the bottles of tequila you drink straight. And all I wanted to do from the moment I met you was protect you from all the sorrows that the world has to offer. You are fragile and breakable, but so beautiful in your fragility. I hate it when saps talk about how they were born to be this or that for their loved ones, so I won't use awful hyperboles. But I do want you to know that you are safe in my arms; and you are never alone. I don't know what dark and twisty things you have in your past, present, or future, but I could give a damn about any of it. You make life exciting and challenging; you, Meredith Grey, make me a better man. Everyday I'm with you is a day I am thankful and I never want to live for the day that I might lose you. I know...you like to take care of everyone else before yourself. I know...when say that you're okay, it really means that you're not. I know...when you tell me that you want to be alone, it really means that you want someone to hold you, to tell you that you are not alone in this world. You think you don't deserve, but you deserve it more than most people. So let me be the one to take care of you and make sure you never feel that sadness in your eyes. Meredith Grey, will you marry me?" he finished, getting down on one knee, ring in hand._

_Her surprise was evident in her expression. She could feel her pulse quicken as tears came to her eyes. Panic and fear crept in as the gravity of the situation sunk in. He wanted to marry her...as in be his wife. She wasn't ready to get married; she wasn't even sure she was in love with Mark. As touching as his proposal was, she couldn't accept and for that she blamed herself. Her tears, now freely falling, streamed down her face as he knelt there in front of her, the shiny diamond ring mocking her from its velvet container. He deserved better than her. The best she could give him was a faux relationship, but he wanted the real thing. It was disgusting of her to trick him into thinking she was anything more than the selfish, lying woman she was._

_"I'm so sorry Mark," she whispered, running out toward the side rail of the ferryboat that had long set sail. Trapped and without escape, she contemplated jumping into the ocean to prevent herself from fooling another innocent good man into loving her. She felt his strong arms from behind wrapping her body, holding her close to him._

_"You aren't ready. That's okay. Keep the diamond ring, as a commitment ring, until you're ready for the real thing," he consoled, sliding the ring onto her finger. She protested, but he insisted._

_"Mark, what if I'm never ready?" she asked, turning to look into his eyes. His green eyes became steely as he considered the question, staring back his face became serious._

_"I'll wait forever if I have to," he responded. He held onto her tightly like he'd somehow lose her if he loosened his grip. Bringing her in for an embrace, he rested his head on her shoulder, pressing her body against his tightly._

_"You will fall in love with me, Meredith Grey," he whispered into her ear._


	7. Chapter 7

When Meredith woke up, she found herself in a supply closet in Mark's arms. Like her, he'd fallen asleep, his head resting on her shoulder. She tried not to make any sudden movements for fear of waking him, but being the light sleeper that he was, he woke up anyways. She could feel his grip on her tighten as he slowly opened his eyes; he gave her a soft smile as he took in his surroundings.

"Hey, you're awake," he yawned, his muscles felt stiff and numb from holding her for so long.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered, stretching her appendages, taking her weight off him and propping herself up. He could feel the warmth from her body dissipate, replaced with cool emptiness. Getting up himself, he turned to look at her, sitting upright on the floor, a look of confusion plastered on her face.

"I called, but you weren't picking up. So I thought I'd surprise you. An intern directed me toward this supply closet. There was quite a band of doctors congregating outside. They looked worried," he informed her. She noticed his cautious tone, afraid to ask what he so desperately wanted to know. It was one of Mark's many attributes, his willingness to stay in the dark, his understanding that there were some things about her that she could never bring herself to tell him.

"I lost a patient that I'd become too attached to, that's all," she explained quickly, hoping to dispel any concerns he may have. He knew that that was all she was going to say on the matter. She had never been the sharing type. It was out of courtesy that she'd explained at all. And as much as he wanted to know what caused her to become so upset, it didn't matter to him that she didn't want to tell him, because it was enough that he had been here for her, that she had allowed him to see her in such a vulnerable state showed that she was at least comfortable with him.

"How about I drive you home and cook us dinner? We don't have to go out tonight," he suggested, bringing her head up to look at him. He gave her a soft kiss on the lips, which she hesitantly returned. As much as she wanted to go home, Mark was the last person she wanted to go home with. She just didn't have enough energy to feign interest for an entire date. Ever since his proposal, he'd been going out of his way to impress her, convince her to reconsider.

"I just want to be alone tonight. I'm sorry," she apologized.

"I understand. I can drive you home if..."

"No, Cristina can drive me back," she interrupted. She could've let him drive her home; she had enough guilt to deal with. Being around Mark just reminded her of all the things she could never give him that he so desperately wanted. It reminded her how selfish she was that she wasn't completely honest with him, that she didn't just let him go to find happiness elsewhere.

"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow," he conceded, giving her a hug and kiss atop her head before opening the door to leave. As he opened the door, she caught a glimpse of a figure pacing outside the door. His black wavy hair a blur as he quickened his pace, making a circle in front of the door. His balled fists were shoved inside his white coat pockets as he mumbled under his breath incoherently. His head looked to the ground before Mark's exit caught his attention, his lips pierced at the sight of the man, a look of contempt clear in his expression. It only took a second after Mark's departure for the blue-eyed worrier to open the door, coming face to face with the subject of his worry.

"Are you okay?" he asked quickly, a look of concern on his face. It took all his being to restrain himself from taking her into his arms. He had to remind himself that that was no longer his job, that he had been replaced by a tall, blonde-haired ken.

"Can you drive me somewhere?" she asked softly, surprising even herself. It seemed wrong to want to be around Derek, but not Mark. Mark was her boyfriend while Derek was...her boss. But she felt comfortable with Derek, or rather she felt no pressure to be anything but herself. She didn't need to put on a mask with him, because he was always there, especially during the worst period of her life.

He nodded, waving for her to follow as he led her to the parking lot.

She stood there looking into the sea, the cool breeze hitting her face softly; her hair flying with the wind. Taking a deep breath, she could feel all the thoughts and the worry, anger, and sadness that it entailed melt away, until there was nothing but the wind and the vast ocean in front of her. She could feel his warmth next to her, leaning on the railing as he looked out into the water.

"I seem to find myself here a lot lately," she laughed, breaking the comfortable silence. She didn't have to turn to see he was looking at her with an amused look. She hadn't seen him in years, yet she was certain he hadn't changed a bit.

"I was here yesterday, after I saw you. I needed to clear my head," she explained, closing her eyes as she took in another deep breath. The smell of the ocean reminded her of life and peace, it helped her escape all her people problems. Alone, she was left with space to think and reflect, or just clear her head and be. Here, she was in control.

"I thought you had a patient?" he smirked, tilting his head slightly as he leaned his whole body on the railing, staring intently at her face.

"And you believed me?" she asked, turning her head to him.

"Not for a moment," he laughed, looking into her soft green eyes. His response brought a smile to her face as they looked into each other's eyes. It felt like nothing had changed. Looking into his brilliant blue eyes as they stared back at her, it was as if they were best friends again, just talking and hanging out. She missed this, being able to just hang out and not have to talk about her problems. With Cristina, it was different, she always felt like she was wasting Cristina's time, like she was keeping Cristina from doing a kick-ass only Cristina Yang could do kind of surgery. But with Derek, there was no pressure. It was okay to just want to stand and look out into the ocean and be, for a little while; it was nice not having to do it alone.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, breaking the silence, yet never breaking eye contact. He missed this, just being able to see her face, being able to be around her, talk to her. It was only after she left that he truly understood how much he needed her in his life. He always had this connection with her, an understanding, to be there for each other, no questions asked. And he really missed being there for her, to comfort her, hold her in his arms and know that he was keeping her safe, protecting her from the rest of the world.

"Nothing," she said quickly before turning away to look into the sea. She could never tell him that she missed him or that she regretted ever leaving, because she knew she had to stay away from him before history repeated itself. Bringing him here tonight was probably something she was going to regret later, but right now, she just wanted to enjoy his company, his presence.

"You want to tell me about this Mark character?" he inquired, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. It'd been in the back of his head since he saw the tall muscular figure disappear into the supply closet. He had thought maybe he'd try to get it out of Cristina, but it was better to ask Meredith directly, let her decide what she wanted to tell him and respect her privacy.

"I told you about him," she replied, distracted by the crashing of the waves against the dock beneath them.

"You told me he gave you a commitment ring, that's about it," he informed, still staring at her side profile, his gaze never leaving her face. For some reason, discussing Mark made his chest feel tight, his breath hitching slightly. Maybe it was the jealousy of knowing the man got to spend more time with her than he had in the past few years.

"Well, how's Addison?" she asked, trying to change the topic. It had been on her mind since his arrival into her life. Seeing him had reminded her of everything in New York and she kept dreading bumping into Addison, but it never happened. And she was slightly disappointed, because Addison was a friend, one of her best friends. Addison had been the one to introduce her to Derek and in a way, she'd always feel indebted to her for that.

"Probably still in New York? After you left, we got together for a little, but realized we weren't right for each other and broke up. She took it harder than I did, told me she never wanted to see me again," he laughed bitterly, breaking his gaze to look into the ocean. His eyes welled slightly at the memory. He had been stupid enough to ruin a perfectly good friendship by taking on a relationship he knew in his heart would never work. He'd never felt that way about Addison.

"Well, my commitment ring was supposed to be an engagement ring. Mark proposed and I told him I wasn't ready, because I'm not in love with him. And you're supposed to be in love with someone before you agree to marry him, right? Because he says he's willing to wait for me to be ready, but I don't want him to wait for the indefinite period of time it may take for me to be ready, if that ever happens at all," she rambled, looking at him nervously as a smile broke on his face. She hadn't meant to dump her relationship woes on him; she'd only hoped to make him feel slightly better about his and divert his focus. She could tell his relationship with Addison was a darker period in his life just from the way he talks about it. The fact that they hadn't keep in touch indicated that things ended very badly.

"Well, he seems like a good guy," he said, feeling his chest loosen, taking in a breath of air. It was horrible, but he felt happier knowing that she wasn't in love with Mark. He didn't know why, but he had an irrational hatred for the guy when he walked into that supply closet ahead of him. It killed him that he hadn't been the one to comfort her immediately after the incident, that he was too cowardly to decide if it was appropriate, if she wanted him in there. When he had been standing, just another spectator, watching the head of neurosurgery's meltdown, while Mark, without thought, barged in; he felt like such a coward.

"He is. He's a surgeon, plastics. You'd think he'd be incredibly shallow and sometimes he is, but most of the time, at least the Mark I know, is just sweet, caring, and kind. And it's not like he's unattractive, because he is very handsome. But I can't talk to him, not because he won't listen; it's just, he doesn't understand the way I want him to. If that makes any sense at all," she continued, it was the first time she'd voiced her thoughts on her broken relationship with Mark. Hearing herself say it helped, because now she could really put into words what the issue was. Mark was perfect and that was the problem. He'd never be able to understand the messed-up life she had, her ambitious mother, her absent father. He would never be able to understand that she didn't want his pity or sympathy; she just wanted him to understand, to know that she was scary and damaged and be okay with that, to not try to fix her.

"You know what I think? I think I give the worst dating advice possible. Remember the Andy Cohen incident? You didn't talk to me for weeks after that one," he laughed, reminiscing the past. Reminded of the memory, she scowled.

"You convinced me he liked me, only to find out that he only had eyes for Addison! I proclaimed my love for him in front of the entire biology lecture hall," she yelled, with a hint of laughter. Hearing her recount the tale only added to his amusement. Derek, now leaning on the rail, doubling over with laughter as Meredith joined in watching him, amused.

"I remember how every time you were upset, I'd find you at O'Reilly's with a dozen empty shot glasses in front of you, the bartender just standing there, trying to fill the glasses as quickly as you gulped it down. When you told me to go with you somewhere today, I assumed you wanted me to take you to a bar," he confessed, smiling at the memory. It had been a pleasant surprise when she directed him to the port.

"Everything seemed so important then. I was so tense all the time, stressed out and wired on coffee. Drinking took the edge off, I guess. Then I grew up, became a resident, then an attending, the head of neurosurgery. And the job description didn't include being drunk ever, because people's lives were at stake. So now this is my tequila," she explained, looking out at the endless horizon. She'd never brought anyone here before, but it felt right, bringing him here. Maybe this time would be different, she had Mark now and was no longer the confused medical student she was back then. Maybe her feelings for him weren't even real, a figment of her imagination propelled by the imminent decision she had to make about her internship. Yet, despite the millions of excuses that popped into her head, she knew that it had been more than real, that she had truly loved him, unconsciously and unrequitedly.

"You grew up without me," he whispered softly, a hint of sadness in his voice. He wished time could stop at this moment and they could just stand there, look out into the sea and pretend that they were medical students again, that no time had past and their lives were still ahead of them. Maybe just for tonight, they could be Meredith and Derek again, best friends who've spent the rest of their lives by each other's side. As he looked out into the water, he noticed how the dark night seemed to blend with the sea, creating an illusion of eternity.


	8. Chapter 8

Standing in front of the large burgundy door belonging to a large Victorian-style house, he debated whether to ring the doorbell. His right index finger hovered in mid-air, floating atop the worn-out white oval button. He brought his left hand up, looking at his watch for the time. 9:30am. Surely she would be awake, but the Meredith he knew wouldn't be awake for another four hours. He felt his resolve slipping away from him and right before he could come up with an excuse to return home, his index finger touched the button, producing a loud tin sound that seemed to reverberate throughout the house. The sound of clumsy footsteps followed as his heart rate increased; he was beginning to regret his rash decision. As the door opened, he plastered on his best morning grin.

"Lovely morning," he greeted enthusiastically. In front of him stood a disheveled, confused Meredith Grey, still in her bathrobe. Her petite figure looked swallowed by the fabric as she mumbled something before making her way into what he presumed to be the kitchen, leaving the door open.

He took it as a sign of welcome, closing the door behind him as he stepped into the home.

The house, although small, had a quaint, comfortable feel to it. The wooden floorboards seemed worn, lived in. The stairs were sturdy, but he could tell it'd lived through some tough years. The furniture was minimalistic, a coach, a television, but no clutter. There were some books lining the shelves, but not much else. As he looked around, something caught his eye. It was a cassette case, lying beside a small stereo system. He picked it up: Judy Bridgewater's Songs after Dark. A smile played on his lips as he pressed to open the cassette player, finding the cassette in question nestled there.

"What are you doing?" she inquired, taking a sip of her coffee from a cracked mug. Both her hands were rested on the mug, gathering as much warmth as they could. She walked closer to him, looking at the case now in his hands.

"You kept it," he said softly, turning the case over and over in his hand. Although aged, it hadn't had any notable damage. He'd always thought she threw it away from the way she talked about it.

"Well, I don't entirely hate it. Track number three is pretty good," she informed, taking a seat on the light brown leather couch. She nursed her mug, blowing away the steam that formed on top, trying to cool it.

"Never let me go. That's my favorite too," he recited, turning to her without having to look at the case. He knew the track list by memory; his copy was in his car. They'd bought the cassettes on a whim, thinking in an age of CD's there would be no one who still owned cassette tapes. The idea was to buy something that was special to just the two of them, something entirely original and no one would have except them. They'd settled on the tape, because it looked so old and cheesy; it had been perfect since there was only two left in the entire store. When they got home and actually listened the tape, they found the cover to reflect the music within, old and cheesy. While Derek seemed more reserved in his dislike, Meredith was far more vocal, announcing it was the worst album she'd ever heard. After years, he had found the tape while cleaning out his old car. It'd taken some time, but after a while of listening to the tapes, he started to like some of the songs; it was definitely an acquired taste.

"Remember when we brought the tapes up to the register and the owner had a huge grin plastered on his face? He'd been trying to get rid of the last few copies for months," she laughed at the memory. That should've been some indication of the quality of music within the tapes, but they'd both been so consumed with the ridiculous idea of connection through material possession. It was something to bind the two of them, something that showed their connection.

"I remember the first time we listened to the tape the whole way through and you just had that horrified look on your face," he reminisced, chuckling. He had never seen her so repulsed; it had taken them both by surprise, how awful the tape had been when the idea behind it seemed so great. It seemed unfitting for the tape to be anything other than spectacular.

"So what are you doing here anyways?" she asked, turning her attention to the small brown bag he had in his left hand. A white cardboard box peeked out slightly, but she couldn't discern what exactly it was.

"Well, Cristina was supposed to give me a tour of Seattle today, but she got pulled into surgery. I was going to head home, but she said that you had the day off and was sure you wouldn't mind showing me around. I'm pretty sure she thinks I hate her, so she's trying to get on my good side. Oh, and I brought breakfast," he replied, cheerfully, bringing out a brand-new box of muesli. She groaned at the site of the packaged box; she hated the site of the thing. In New York when she had been living with Derek for a little while, he'd made her eat muesli everyday for breakfast. A bowl of muesli a day keeps sickness away. The lofty slogan proved to be untrue when she caught a cold the same day. Still, he fed her muesli, like he believed it to have some natural healing abilities.

"Okay, here's the deal. I show you around town and I don't have to eat that," she propositioned, pointing at the box of muesli in his hands. He gave her a frown, tilting his head to the side slightly, his eyes pleading with her. She stood her ground, giving him a steely-eyed look; she hated muesli.

"Fine. We can get breakfast on my tour," he conceded, putting the muesli back in the bag he'd brought. It didn't really bother him that much that she wouldn't eat the muesli, he knew she hated the thing; it'd been more of a test to see if she'd changed as much as she'd led on last night. Her disdain for muesli still existed it seemed and he felt slightly happy knowing that in the core, she was still his Meredith, keeping the cassette, hating muesli. It seemed silly to him now to be so nervous before; she didn't seem bothered by his intrusion in the slightest.

"Okay, I'm going to get dressed, just wait for me here," she commanded, running up the stairs, barefoot.

"You live in that thing?" she asked, looking unconvincingly at the trailer situated on an empty plot of land surrounded by trees. The trailer overlooked a beautiful lake that seemed untouched by civilization. She didn't even know such a place existed until today. When he'd mentioned to her that he lived in a trailer several times during the tour, but she'd assumed he was kidding. Now standing in front of the mobile home, she was awestruck at his craziness or brilliance.

"It's my home. For now. I even got a patio built in front of it, so I could just relax and look out into the lake," he explained, leading her to the small wooden boards situated in front of the 'home'. A small makeshift table and foldable chairs sat there, vacant.

"Are you allowed to do this?" she asked. He couldn't possibly be living out here. There wasn't anyone around for miles. Surely, the city or state wouldn't allow him to just choose a random spot to park his trailer home; this couldn't be allowed.

"I bought the land. I can do whatever I want with it," he answered, nonchalantly. He didn't understand why she was so surprised. As a child, he'd been a boy scout and loved going into the wild. However, growing up in New York City provided limited opportunities to do so. Nature was just one of the many perks of moving to Seattle.

"You own all of this? Even the lake?" she inquired, incredulously. She'd just assumed he'd camped out in some secluded part of a public park. It never occurred to her that he'd actually bought this land.

"I don't know too much about the specifics, but the lake is within the area I own, so...I guess I do," he replied, disappearing into the small brightly lit home, leaving her standing outside to absorb the information.

It wasn't so much the fact that it was uncharacteristic for him to live like this. To the contrary, he'd always discussed going out into the wild, surviving with his own two hands. He would quote Thoreau, insisting that one day he would have a Walden for himself. What surprised her was that he'd achieved it, his childhood dream of being surrounded by nature, living among the wild. It suddenly occurred to her how much of a failure her life had become. While Derek was actively chasing and making his dreams come true, she was going through the motions, living alone, consumed with work, and with a boyfriend she was too afraid to break up with.

"I was planning on building a house here, maybe after I get married. It'll depend on my future wife's wishes, but I'd like my children to grow up surrounded by the beauty of nature. But until all that happens, I actually enjoy living in the trailer," he yelled, reappearing from the door of the trailer, holding two beers. She began to walk over to him as he set the beers down on the makeshift table, taking a seat beside it.

"It's really beautiful out here," she said softly, taking the seat opposite him. She took a swig of the beer, feeling the cool liquid as it made contact with her mouth. Leaning back in her seat, she stared out onto the reflection of the moon gleaming upon the water; it produced the same calming quality that the port had. Just as the dock had been her substitute for tequila, this must be his, she realized.

"Yeah, it makes you feel like beauty exists in the world, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I just wish I had someone to share it with. The closest thing I've ever had to a wife was-" he stopped suddenly, catching himself. You, he had wanted to finish. He didn't know why, but it seemed inappropriate to finish the sentence, almost as if saying it would suggest something romantic between them. The implication seemed almost too great for their fragile relationship. It wasn't that he didn't think of her in that way, but rather, he didn't let himself think of her in that way. He remembered when he had first met her, how completely enamored he was with her. The love letters he would write in his mind, the ways he would confess his love for her, all of which seemed to disappear slowly as time passed as he became Derek, the best friend. His window of opportunity had passed him by; yet, he knew he could never live without her, so he settled, for friends, and promised himself never to look at her with anything other than platonic eyes. His body now seemed conditioned to this and at some point, he seemed to have convinced his heart to beat for other women, but nothing compared to the first time he'd truly felt what being in love was. It'd taken years, but he had finally felt like although he loved her, he was no longer in love with her. The yearning for her love faded replaced with the need to protect her, be by her side as a friend. Yet now, completing his sentence felt almost too much, like with the next word would come the rush of all his feelings for her, reborn and new. He'd begun to notice the little slips that had caught him off guard, the jolt as their skin made contact or the tight feeling in his chest when he saw her with another man, all of which he dismissed, restraining his heart and his mind.

"I'm sure you'll find someone soon enough," she encouraged, putting her hand atop his. _Addison_, she'd almost wanted to finish for him. The pain in his eyes was reminiscent of the pain she saw when he'd talked about Addison before, except this time, it seemed almost worse. Perhaps referring to her as his wife conjured up a particularly bad memory of her, or the thought of what he'd lost had made it unbearable to even speak her name. Whatever it was, she felt the familiar pang in her heart, one that up until recently, she'd thought she'd never have to feel again. Jealousy. She hated it, yet here she was sitting across the only man she'd ever truly loved, discussing his future with a female that would never be her. It scared her, the effect that he had on her, the way he was able to make her stomach flutter or dive with a single word.

"Well, onto a less depressing topic that isn't my relationship status, did you ever learn how to dance? You left before I could give you a proper lesson," he asked, turning to her, a glint in his eye. She could tell he was scheming; his lips curled, creating a mischievous quality to his expression.

"I...don't dance," she stumbled, choosing her words wisely. This was a trap to get her to make a fool of herself surely. He always found a way to make her feel ridiculous about herself. She had never been the most open person, at least not without the help of tequila, but he was always making her do things that she would never do otherwise. She remembered one time when she'd mentioned in passing that she'd never been to a karaoke bar before, the next day, she was begrudgingly dragged to Icebreaker Cafe during karaoke night. It'd taken singing three songs before she was allowed to leave. It had been the most fun she'd had.

"Well, it's never too late to start," he encouraged, taking her hand in his, he led her to the open area right in front of the trailer.

"But there's no music," she protested, feeling his hand guide hers, settling them atop his shoulders. He then took out his cell phone, pressing a side button before placing it in his shirt pocket. His hands landed on her waist as he brought her in close; the warmth from her body comforted him. Her tiny frame seemed to fit perfectly in his arms. Their bodies swayed to and fro in harmony with the slow, melodious sound blasting from his phone. As she felt the song coming to an end, her body began to pull away, but he stopped her, tightening his grip around her waist, pulling her in closer. She felt her arms loop around his neck of its own accord as her head rested on his shoulder. They were dangerously close, close enough to feel each other's heartbeats, quick and uneven. In his arms, she felt safe, like she didn't need to think. She could feel her brain turning off; her defenses dropped as she relaxed into his arms, the song faded as the next began.

_I thought I saw your face today...but I just turned my head away...your face against the trees...but I just see the memories...as they come...and I couldn't help but fall in love again._

His chin rested lightly on her head as he felt her warm breath on his neck. His arms were wrapped around her waist tightly; hers hung loosely around his neck. As he took a deep breath, he could smell the flowery scent of her hair. He had dreamed of this moment long ago, taking her into his arms, dancing with her under the moonlit sky. The reality seemed so much better. Surrounded by nature, alone with just the two of them, in front of a star-filled lake, this exceeded his imagination. Yet, in his dreams, after their dance, she would always stay with him. In his dreams, she was his, forever; she was his and he would never let her go. Except now, as they danced surrounded by beauty, the night sky twinkling with approval, he was still just Derek the friend and his feelings for her, forbidden. It was exhausting, having to lie to himself, to restrain and block out all romantic feelings for her. Maybe just for tonight, he could relax and let his heart feel and love however it chose. Maybe just for this fleeting moment, he could hold her in his arms and pretend that she reciprocated his feelings, that he was more than Derek the friend. When the clock struck twelve, the magic spell would cease to work and reality would set in. So, just for tonight, before all magic was lost forever, **he would pretend that happily ever after wasn't so far away**.

_I somehow see what's beautiful...in things that are ephemeral...I'm my only friend of mine...and love is just a piece of time...in the world...and I couldn't help but fall in love again...no, I couldn't help but fall in love again..._


	9. Chapter 9

"Did you hear? New interns are coming in today. McDreamy's giving his spiel right now," Cristina informed enthusiastically, coming up from behind to her side. She made some finishing scribbles on the chart before closing it sharply, turning to Cristina. Her friend had an uncharacteristic smile plastered on her face.

"Oh, oh, oh. Here they come," Cristina whispered gleefully, pointing to the group of fledging surgeons, whispering amongst themselves, wide-eyed and wondrous. Turning to the group, she caught a glimpse of Derek, authoritatively leading the pack, pointing as he spoke. He turned toward her area, caught her gaze and gave her a quick smile before addressing the group again. Embarrassed at being caught staring, she scanned the handful of clumsy interns following him, noticing one in particular. Her eyes became wide as she placed the face, whispering among the crowd that had now disappeared into the hallway.

"Are you sure those are the new interns?" Meredith asked urgently, turning to Cristina.

"Well, duh. They look like interns, don't they? Wide-eyed and stupid?" Cristina retorted, suddenly noticing Meredith's expression. Her face wore a pained expression as if she had just been kicked in the stomach and utterly gutted. "What's wrong?"

"I think I just saw my half-sister," she whispered incredulously. She'd only met the girl once and not of her own accord. Lexie had tried to meet her when she was in med school. At the time, she knew very little of her father's new life and nothing of the existence of a half-sibling. She was so bewildered, met with the friendly hand stretched out in front of her. Taking the hand begrudgingly, she had given Lexie the once over. Lexie was bright and shiny; she was everything Meredith wasn't and she had everything that Meredith had to grow up without. It only took a coffee-date amount of time with Lexie to fill her with unwarranted jealousy and rage as the girl talked about her life and how excited to have a sibling (so excited, in fact, that Lexie had hired a private investigator to track her down). The coffee-date ended with Lexie giving Meredith her contact information, telling her to keep in touch. For weeks afterward, Meredith didn't pick up a single call from a number she didn't know. She never answered the door without first looking through the peephole. Her parents, her childhood, her past, she just wanted it all to be past, for it to disappear and never be reminded of it. Yet, here she was, once again, her past was catching up to her.

"I need some air," she informed, walking briskly to the elevator. Getting off at the ground floor, she sprinted to the main exit of the building until she hit her usual bench at the far side of the hospital's giant lawn. The bench hid under the shadow of a tall oak tree, the trunk of the tree obscuring it from plain site. She just sat there, hands tucked under her legs as she admired the colors of the fallen leaves. Hours felt like seconds as she sat there, lost in thought, trying so hard to shut off her brain.

"Meredith?" she heard a distant voice call followed by a quickening of footsteps. She closed her eyes, willing herself to become invisible. She felt the footsteps slow, then stop; she could feel the warmth of the figure standing directly in front of her. Her eyes opened, finding herself looking at a young woman with long brown hair and warm hazel eyes. A smile shone brightly on her face, glad to see Meredith.

"Lexie, what are you doing here?" she asked, giving her best attempt at a smile.

"I'm an intern here. You're the head of neuro here, right? That's why I chose Seattle Grace. Well, one of the reasons. You and Derek. I'm supposed to have lunch with him in about ten minutes when he gets done with a patient," Lexie explained, taking a seat next to her. At the first mention of Derek, her eyes perked, how did Lexie know Derek? Why was the Chief of Surgery having lunch with an intern?

"You know Chief Shepard?" she inquired, turning to Lexie with genuine interest. A flash of confusion showed on Lexie's face.

"Yeah...he's been emailing me on how you've been doing. Dad likes to read the emails. It makes him worry less about you," Lexie informed, giving Meredith a questioning glance. How had Derek been able to report her condition? They hadn't seen each other in years.

"He emails you? Like what?" she asked, a look of pure confusion present in her expression. Lexie pulled out her cellphone, toying with some buttons before passing it to Meredith.

"This is the last email he sent me from a month ago," Lexie commented, sitting silently as Meredith read on.

_Dear Lexie,_

_I have nothing eventful to report. This month has been just normal cases. I know you're probably sick of these case 'stories', but a guy came in the other day with a burst aneurysm, and we were just about to call it, but Meredith wouldn't let them. The patient was right on the brink, but she somehow managed to bring him back. And all the nurses in the OR just clapped, we all did, after she saved him. Your sister really is something. I'd be lucky to be half the doctor she is. _

_You can assure your dad that she's eating well, although sometimes I have to remind her to eat, because she just gets so engrossed in her patients. Her greatest strength as a surgeon is her caring heart; that's key to being a great surgeon, you'll learn that when you start your internship next month. _

_Sorry I haven't been able to email as frequently there was some work-related business I had to take care of._

_Love always,_

_Derek_

"I don't understand. He never told me he was in contact with you," she said, looking at Lexie astounded. How could Derek be sending Lexie emails updates about her when he hadn't even seen her up until a week ago? He had never even seen her working as a doctor, how had he known that she was a good one? This didn't make sense.

"He probably didn't want to worry you. I'm having lunch with him if you want to come..." Lexie offered, taking the cell phone she held loosely in her hand. She shook her head, waving a quick goodbye as Lexie began walking away, her small figure disappearing into the large hospital building.

Her mind felt like a ticking time bomb about to explode with more and more pressure added. Everything was happening too fast, the truth was coming out faster than she could absorb. New information, old friends, everything was a blur of knowing and oblivion. She didn't understand how Derek could be giving updates to Lexie and her father. A week ago, her life seemed so...normal, compared to now. _The past always comes back when you least expect it._ Truer words had never been spoken. First it was Derek. Now Lexie. And to find out the two had and were conversing, that they were intimate to the point where having lunch seemed normal, made her uncomfortable. Maybe if she just sat there for a little while, just pretending like nothing had happened, **maybe everything would make sense again, and her life would be uncomplicated**.

So she sat there, lost in thought, only brought back to reality by the sound of her vibrating beeper.


	10. Chapter 10

Meredith stood there, paralyzed unable to move. The yelling, the incessant beep from the machine, the noise all seemed to drown out as she stared at the violently seizing figure in front of her. The familiar face now seemed so worn, her once-vibrant red hair, now a grayed maroon; her focused green pupils replaced with the spasming white of her eyeball. This couldn't be Addison. Yet, as a nurse shoved the chart in her hand, the bold black text read: Montgomery, Addison. It was quieter now; the hasty commands and frantic hands had ceased as the once moving being laid still on the bed. While she had stood idle and speechless, her residents had managed to calm the seizure. Now, over her shock, she opened the chart in her hands, flipping and scanning for important details. Kidney cancer. Metastasized. Terminal.

She couldn't feel it, but she could see her hands shaking as the words became blurred. Sneaking a look at the patient's fragile state, Meredith felt tears welling in her eyes walking quickly out of the room before her underlings realized. She grasped the countertop of the nurses' station, steadying herself as she let out a shaky breath. Her legs began to move, walking of its own accord; her mind, too tired to object, obliged. She felt like her body was on autopilot as her finger pressed the button to the elevator. It didn't take long before she found herself outside Derek's office. Through the glass walls she could see him working diligently on some paperwork, his nose seemed buried in a piece of paper, so engrossed that he didn't see her. She had to tell him. She needed to tell someone. Talk to someone. Before she knew it, she was in his office as he looked up at her, a smile immediate on his face when he recognized her.

"Addison's dying," she managed to choke out. It took all her strength to stand there still; her legs were shaking, threatening to give way to the ground below. She could barely see his reaction through the tears that welled in her eyes. A sound escaped from his chair as he got up, taking her into his arms. Leaning in, she buried her face into his sweater vest, soaking it with tears.

"She was in a hospital bed seizing. Her chart. She has kidney cancer. Terminal," she sobbed, trying her best to answer his unspoken questions through her tears. His arms tightened around her as she explained. He let out a shaky breath, feeling the room get smaller. In his arms, her breathing seemed to return to normal; the tears calmed. Looking up, she could see his eyes glistening with tears that threatened to fall. Suddenly, she felt so selfish, having him comfort her instead of the other way around. She loosened her grip on him, moving away from his embrace.

"I'll take you to see her," she said, taking his hand in hers. He felt numb. His feet shuffled underneath him, following her of their own accord. It was as if he was trapped in his own mind without control of his body. By the time they'd reached the room, he was barely conscious of where exactly he was, what exactly was happening. Only when he saw the frail figure lying on the bed, unconscious, did he understand. It felt like looking at a whole different person. This wasn't Addison Montgomery. Not the Addison he knew. Gone was the elaborate makeup that once caked her face, replaced with tired baggy eyes and a gaunt face. A paper-thin hospital gown replaced her fabulous high fashion attire. She looked so tiny in the massive hospital bed. What happened?

"She probably won't be waking up for a while," Meredith informed, interrupting his thoughts. He turned to her, a look of desperation evident on his face. She understood how he felt; she'd felt the exact same way. She could feel the cogs turning in his head, blaming himself. This wasn't anyone's fault. She knew that he knew that. Yet, she couldn't help feeling like this was everyone's fault. That it was all their faults, particularly hers for not staying in touch, for not knowing.

"Let's go to Joe's. I need a drink and so do you," she announced, walking out of the room. She couldn't be in that room without blaming herself just like he was blaming himself. It only made it worse that Addison was lying there unconscious, that Addison probably wasn't even aware that she was her doctor. She could hear the door close as he came out, following her.

* * *

"Straight tequila," she ordered, taking a seat at the bar. It was quiet tonight; they were the only two at the bar. She could feel him sit down on the stool beside her, ordering a scotch.

"I thought you didn't drink anymore?" he asked, watching her down her shot in one gulp. The tequila burned going down, leaving her feeling slightly warmer. Her head felt lighter as Joe poured her another shot.

"Special circumstances. Did you know she was sick?" she inquired, downing her shot, before daring to look at him. Somehow seeing him breakdown had helped stop hers. He shook his head, finishing off his own drink. That's what killed him. He hadn't known about this at all, because he had ended the relationship on such bad terms, because he didn't even try to contact her afterward. Addison was dying and he couldn't tell you how it happened, when it happened. This was his fault. All of it.

"The last time I saw her, she was screaming at me. Yelling at the top of her lungs and I couldn't hear a thing. Halfway through the relationship, I just stopped listening to her. I began to resent her, because I didn't love her and yet I didn't have the courage to end it. When I finally told her how I felt, she exploded and I stopped listening. That was the last time I saw her," he recalled, downing his scotch again. His eyes were welling with tears brought on by the burn of the scotch. Everything that had been brewing just seemed to come spewing out, like his filter was gone. He didn't know why he had told her that, it was just something he had been thinking about, swirling in his mind, begging to be let out.

"You know it's not your fault," she consoled. He gave her a bitter smile before gulping down his drink again. He could feel the buzz in his brain that he'd been looking for, something to numb the pain. He didn't want to think, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow he'd be strong enough to face this.

"Let's talk about something else," he offered, looking at the empty tumbler in front of him, waiting for the bartender to fill it up. Talking about Addison was making his buzz go away, thinking about her made his brain hurt.

"I saw Lexie today. She told me, you email her," she informed, turning to him to give a questioning glance. Surprise registered in his face for a second before he caught himself. She usually wouldn't be so bold as to ask him directly, but under the influence of alcohol, everything seemed to come spilling out.

"I saw her in front of your apartment one time asking for you. She told me she was your half-sister, said she wanted to check up on you. I knew you didn't want to see her so I told her I'd just email her updates on you to appease her. When you left, I...didn't have to heart to tell her. I just kept thinking...no...expecting you to come back. It just didn't seem worth worrying your father about. Months became years and I couldn't tell them the truth without admitting I'd been lying to them for so long. Plus I liked writing about you, pretending I was there for you for all those milestones in your life that I had missed out on. Those emails were like a way to be with you without actually being there with you. I don't know...I'm sorry," he rambled, stumbling on his words slightly. It was inevitable that she would find out, but in the back of his mind, he'd never thought this day would come. A month ago, he would be surprised if the three of them were in the same state, let alone working at the same hospital. The emails had been a way of tricking his mind that she hadn't left. Writing to Lexie made reality less real. It was his way of living in the past.

"I guess I should thank you really for getting my father off my back for a while. At least now you won't have to email Lexie anymore. I'm sure she can do her own spying from now on," she answered, gulping down another shot. A pang of guilt struck her heart at the thought of him waiting for her, expecting her return. Just as he had been pretending, she'd often found herself thinking about him, how he was doing. She never doubted that he'd be a brilliant surgeon, but she'd always wished she'd been there. She knew how he felt. If anything, she blamed herself for being selfish and leaving with no regard for others.

"It's late. I'll drive you home," he suggested, running his hands through his hair. He dropped some bills on the table while she gathered her things. They walked in silence to his car, lost in thought. They both swayed as they walked, finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other. When they finally made their way into the car, it became clear to both of them they were not going home tonight.

"You are too drunk to drive," she stated flatly, looking out onto the almost empty parking lot. Being a doctor, she knew it would endanger lives having him drive anywhere in his state. Why had she not thought of this before?

"Yeah. I am," he agreed, putting his keys into the ignition. Soft music began to play as he pushed a button, opening the sunroof. She was about to protest, afraid he'd drive despite his better judgment, but stopped when she saw him pull back his seat to its lying position, facing upward toward the stars. Understanding, she followed suit.

"When I was little, the night sky was filled with stars. I used to think they were Christmas lights that had been scattered across the sky. It made me feel like it was Christmas all year round. Like soon I'd go downstairs and find a present. Now, I hardly see any stars in the sky," he mused, putting his hands behind his head as he crossed his legs. He could only make out one star tonight, one lone star shining brightly in the midst of darkness.

"I was such a coward when I was little. I was afraid of the stars. I always expected one to just drop out of the sky and hit me. Like some kind of flaming rock. I only looked up at them when I was under a roof," she reminisced, laughing at her younger self. Just like him, she stared at the lone star in the sky, being swallowed by the black of night.

"During my internship, when things got really stressful, I used to look up into the night sky and just pretend I was one of the few stars in the sky, watching over the people I love below. It made me feel slightly less alone, knowing that somewhere out there the ones I loved were living happy, fulfilled lives...I wonder if stars ever feel lonely? I mean, I wonder how that star feels being the only one bright enough to be seen," he inquired, pointing his finger at the star in question. The motion was unnecessary, she knew which star he was referring to, but he motioned anyways. He was drunk and feeling lonely, sitting next to the only woman he'd ever truly loved, talking about stars in a hospital parking lot whilst his best friend was inside dying. Nothing made sense.

"There are probably billions of other stars that are there with him that we just can't see. I'm sure she has a bunch of friends," she answered, too drunk to notice the ridiculousness of the conversation.

"Do you think stars can fall in love?" he asked. It comforted him to know that there were a lot of stars out there that may be unseen to him. For the moment, he imagined himself as the lone star, shining brightly, the most conspicuous of his friends. Among his lesser-lit friends, the 'one', the star that caused him to shine so brightly and burn with such passion.

"I don't know. How do you mean love? What's love anyways?" she pondered. Perhaps each star has its personal guardian, someone to look after them, took care of them and did everything in their power to bring them happiness; and even though, there was no electricity or passion, there was a dull flame that kept them both burning. Maybe trust and respect can equate to love. Perhaps liking can one day blossom into love.

"Love is when all your thoughts are consumed by that one person. Your fuel and passion comes from her; seeing her makes you shine brighter, makes you visible even from light-years away. And even if you are the only star bright enough to be seen, you never feel lonely, because you know she's out there, alive and well; and that's enough for you, because as long as she's happy, even if it's not with you, you're happy too. It's when you accept that she'll never be yours, but it doesn't make you love her any less. That's how you know," he finished, a glazed look in his eyes. He had said too much, yet he couldn't stop himself. Afraid to turn to her, he continued looking up at the lone star that had prompted the entire conversation. Even though his unrequited feelings brought him pain, he was happy to have been able to know the feeling of being in love. He hoped the star, like him, had someone amazing in his life worthy of his love, even if that someone would never return the feelings.

"I bet stars do fall in love. It's just that things never work out, because the love's one-sided. Maybe that's why we don't see any of them. They get dimmer and dimmer because they're running away, trying to let go of their feelings," she answered. She hoped she was wrong, that stars all had happy endings; the white picket fence, the loving spouse, the beautiful children. But a part of her believed that happy endings were for the others, people that deserved it, people that weren't her.

"**Life is too short for running away**," he whispered, both feeling the heavy allusion in his words. Music filled the silence that descended upon the two, both finding themselves connecting with the lone star.

_Cause I believe...It's better to have loved and lost_…

Judy Bridgewater bellowed sorrowfully. Her voice drenched in bittersweet emotion.

_In your hands hold my wayward heart no matter how I fought…_

His voice followed softly, singing along to the lyrics that he had become so familiar. At the moment, he felt like he knew Ms. Bridgewater, felt her pain.

_Just let me stay...unheard, unseen, by your side…_

This time, her voice joined in, a trio of tragic love-stricken singers filling the air with sadness. Her eyes still turned upward, staring off into the dark night sky. The lone star seemed blurred as her eyes welled.

_Till the day I die…_

Tears filled his eyes, a lump forming in his throat. His eyes stared toward the lone star in the sky. One that will eventually diminish in shine one day, burn out. He thought of Addison, lying on the hospital bed, of the dying star, of himself dying. He didn't know when, why, or how he was going to die, but he knew, for some reason, he'd die loving her.

_My love unrequited…_

She finished as the song played its melancholy outro.


	11. Chapter 11

_"Let me help you get that," a voice from behind her bellowed. The hurried noise of footsteps gradually increased in volume as he ran up beside her, kneeling down to fetch the notes that were now strewn all over the floor. She looked up to be met with a pair of dazzling blue eyes belonging to a cute dark-haired boy. He handed her the messy pile of papers, her characteristic chicken scratch filled each page. She suddenly felt embarrassed as she stood to accept the fallen items._

_"Thanks," she muttered under her breath, her eyes cast downward, too humiliated to make eye contact. From behind her a familiar voice called her name. Closing her eyes, she cursed her bad fortune; now the unnamed guy knew her name and would forever associate her with her awful, rushed handwriting and characteristic clumsiness. After the tenth shout of 'Meredith! Meredith Grey!' she turned to look behind her, acknowledging the fierce, stiletto-wearing redhead slowly approaching her. Even with her back turned to him, she could feel his burning stare, no doubt a smile playing on his lips at her laughable condition._

_"Hey, Derek! What are you doing here?" Addison questioned, feigning surprise. In reality, she'd seen him from a mile away; she just didn't want him to know she'd noticed him so quickly. Beside him stood a blushing, barefaced Meredith, dressed in her overly large Dartmouth sweatshirt and some ill-fitting sweatpants. She rolled her eyes at Meredith's 'casual' appearance, making a mental note to reprimand her later._

_"I was helping...Meredith was it? With her notes," he informed, gesturing to the unruly pile crumpled in the girl's tiny arms. Her petite figure seemed to be swallowed by Addison's towering presence. The juxtaposition between Addison's poised, unrelenting attitude to the girl's soft, easygoing demeanor amused him. How did these two completely differing personalities know each other? Who was this charming albeit clumsy girl?_

_"You are such a klutz, Mer!" Addison exclaimed, letting out a forced chuckle before turning her attention back to Derek. "How's your mother doing? I haven't seen Mrs. Shepherd in a while. Ever since college started, I've been too busy to even talk to my own parents! I didn't know you decided on Dartmouth."_

_"Oh, she misses your homemade brownies. She's always telling me to go scour the campus for you and your brownies. Now I can tell her I found you!" he replied. As he spoke, he noticed the mysterious girl slowly moving to walk away. He grabbed her by the shoulder just as she turned to leave, spinning her to face him. He could tell that he'd surprised her as her captivating green eyes stared back at him shocked._

_"Sorry...I...where are you headed?" he muttered. Even he was startled by his rude impulse; his hand had stopped her before his mind could stop it. The frightened expression on her face made him regret his rash actions._

_"I need to get to class," she responded through clenched teeth, her hands held tightly onto her now ruined notes, the pages crinkled as she balled her fists. How dare he manhandle her like that! Whatever embarrassment she had melted away replaced with the anger of his unwarranted pull. The only thing that restrained her from going off on him was Addison. They seemed to know each other well enough and she didn't want her temper to make things awkward between the two of them._

_"Oh...I have to go too," he mumbled quickly before rushing off, leaving both girls bewildered at his strange behavior._

_As he walked to his next class, he cursed himself for his lack of manners. He didn't know what exactly had caused the outburst. All he knew was that he had not wanted her to leave and because of that, his body had so naturally pulled her in to stay. Now because of his lack of self-control, she'd know him as that rude guy who physically harassed her._

_Upon entering the large lecture hall, he noticed the familiar petite figure that had consumed his thoughts sitting in the relatively empty hall. It would be another twenty minutes before class actually started, but he liked to get to class early for a closer seat; it seemed she had the same thought. He smiled at his good fortune, now he had twenty minutes to repair her bad impression of him. Making his way toward the vacant seat beside him, he caught the scowl on her face as she recognized him._

_"Hey, sorry about earlier. I really don't know what came over me," he explained to the back of her head. The flowery scent of her honey blond hair intoxicated him; it took all his might to stop himself from leaning closer for fear of digging himself deeper into the hole he was trying to climb out of._

_"You know, Addison and I were neighbors growing up. Of course, then she moved to Boston and I stayed in New York, so we stopped talking, but she can attest that I am not some abusive pervert," he added, trying futilely to make her turn around. Her resolve only increased his determination. It had been quite some time since a girl had played hard to get with him usually they were fairly open about their attraction to him._

_"Oh, come on. You know I didn't mean it. Bullheadedness is unbecoming in a young woman," he provoked, smiling as she turned to give him a repulsed glare before whipping her head back to face opposite him. He let out a sigh, faced with the backside of her once again; she was definitely one of the harder nuts he'd encountered. He would have to change his approach._

_Pushing his chair back to stand, he surveyed the number of students in the large hall, estimating at least fifty. He made his way to the opposite side, giving her a mischievous grin before bellowing in front of the large room, "Meredith Grey! I am sorry for not being able to control myself around you! I promise to be a perfect gentleman from now on if you could ever forgive me for my ill-manners!"_

_Shouts of encouragement and support erupted from his fellow classmates as his eyes, trained on her, watched her astonished reaction to his outburst. Chants of 'forgive him' erupted and overtook the room. Her face turned a beet red as she motioned a forced nod, plastering on a fake grin, more aware than ever of the large size of the class; a series of cheers, congratulations, and pats on the backs followed as he returned to his seat next to her. No longer avoiding his gaze, her eyes focused on him, giving him the dirtiest look she could muster._

_"Oh, I forgot to properly introduce myself. I'm Derek Shepherd. It's nice to meet you, Meredith Grey," he greeted, offering her his outstretched hand. He laughed as she hesitantly shook it; it was obvious she was appeasing him in order to avoid another scene. As the professor slowly trekked in with his lecture materials, Derek couldn't help but smile to himself. __**This was going to be one hell of a semester.**_


	12. Chapter 12

Meredith awoke to the loud vibrations of her pager. Groaning, with eyes closed, she brought the device toward her eyes, checking to see the code. _'911'_ She turned her to her side to be met with a sleeping Derek lying in the driver's seat. It was times like these that she wished alcohol didn't exist. Closing her eyes, she gave herself 10 seconds.

_1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10... _

Her eyes opened again, met with the still-darkened sky. The sun had yet to come up and the sky was colored a dark grey. Careful not to wake Derek, she quietly adjusted her seat to the upright position and opened the car door, running inside the hospital.

"You paged?" She asked, approaching the nurse's station. One of the nurses handed her a chart, pointing to the room in question. Meredith didn't have to open the chart to know who the page was for. She had been in that exact same room only yesterday. This room was the reason she had to sleep in a car last night. She took in a deep breath, walking slowly to the room filled with nurses and residents. As soon as she entered the room, she could see the residents looking at her expectantly. She heard herself asking for patient stats and calling out orders, but she was barely conscious of it. She was on autopilot, removing herself from the situation and allowing Meredith, head of neurosurgery, take full control of the reins. After 20 minutes of adjusted patient stats and orders, Addison was deemed in stable condition. Though only barely so. Breathing a sigh of relief, she excused herself from the room, her body leading her to a nearby on-call room.

As she laid on the bed, she couldn't feel anything. Nothing felt real. Everything was just numb. She stared at the craters that lined the hospital ceilings, in hopes of calming down or coming to. It wasn't that she was nervous, anxious, or angry. No…it was worse than that. She just...was, with no sense of feeling or emotion. She could feel tears streaming down the corners of her eyes, but sadness escaped her. She was so tired, too tired to feel. At some point, she wasn't sure when, she fell asleep lying there, counting the holes. She was only aware of her slumber when she was gently awakened by a frightened intern, telling her that the patient had come to, that the patient had requested to see her.

She was in no condition to face Addison. Not now. But she knew it was unavoidable. She wasn't even sure that Addison knew that she was in Seattle, let alone that she was her doctor. Waving the intern away, she slowly sat upright. _I'm giving you 10 seconds_. she told herself.

_1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10…_

And she was up on her feet.

* * *

Her steps seemed slower as she made her way to the room she was now all too familiar with. Giving the door a gently knock, she took a peek inside to find a smiling Addison staring back at her. Her eyes twinkled with determination. For a woman that had almost died just a few hours ago, she looked awfully well.

"Meredith! Sit!" Addison commanded, patting a spot next to her on the bed. Meredith noticed her winces as she moved to make room on the bed for Meredith who now took the seat beside her. Addison always had an effect on Meredith; she always knew how to get Meredith to do things without a second thought.

"How are you doing?" Meredith asked gently, giving Addison a sad smile. Her eyes filled with a sympathy that Addison had grown accustomed to but absolutely hated. Ignoring her question, she reached over to her tableside, handing her a piece of scrap paper with seven numbers written messily on it.

"Here, take this. It's Derek's contact number." Addison stated, shoving it into Meredith's hands. Meredith took the paper, confused. Why was Addison giving this to her? What did she need Derek's number for when she knew exactly where he was? When he was her Chief? The confusion must have been evident on her face, because Addison answered her unspoken question. "I'm giving this to you, because I wanted to redeem myself. Or at least try."

"I don't understand…" Meredith was now more confused than ever. What did Addison have to redeem herself for? She had never done wrong by Meredith. To the contrary, it was Meredith who had abandoned her.

"There are few things in my life that I can redeem myself for, but this? This is something I can actually do. I'm dying, Meredith, a look at my chart will tell you that. And you know what my first thought was when I found out? It was how, in my entire life, I've never been anything less than awful...to the people I've cared the most about. I know I deserve this; I know that life has finally caught up to me. I'll never be the lovable main character who gives and never takes, who everyone loves and no one hates. I will always be the villain, that passive aggressive, bitchy girl who only thinks of herself and never others. I've come to terms with that. But I'm sure as hell not gonna give up trying to be the good guy. So this is my trying...for once in my life...to do the right thing. There are so many things I regret about my life, but the one thing I regret above all else...is breaking _us_ up. The three of us. Taking us for granted. And getting in the way of fate, because I was too blinded by jealousy. And I know...I'll never be able to fix it. What's past can never be changed, but what I can do is correct a wrong and bring destiny together again. So take this number and call him, because, Meredith, _you_ are his first thought in the morning and his last thought at night. And no matter how hard he tried to pretend otherwise, _you _are his destiny. Meredith, you can't cheat destiny." Addison explained, her eyes welling with tears. She looked humbled, worn, and weary, lying there pleading with Meredith. The tears fell freely from the corners of her eyes down to the pillow beneath her head. Meredith could tell that she was trying hard to be strong, trying to be the Addison that she knew, that steely, strong, and unbelievably brave woman.

"Addison...you will always be the main character…" she started, whispering through shaky breath. She could barely see through the tears that were barely kept at bay. Taking Addison into her arms, she felt the once strong woman crumble on her shoulder. Watching her best friend, so depleted and humbled by all life had to offer, she couldn't help but join in, sobbing onto each other's shoulder. Reunited but only for so long.

"Please Meredith. Please, just let me do this for you. Let me save the day for once." Addison sobbed. Her cries were louder, her breath shaky and unsteady. Meredith held onto her friend tightly, feeling a sense of familiarity. It had only been just yesterday that she and Addison had been crying in each other's arms about how they didn't get their top pick sororities. And Meredith couldn't help but wonder how long it would be before she'd never have a chance to experience this feeling again. The two's crying had quieted; Meredith wasn't sure, but Addison seemed to have fallen asleep. Softly, Meredith brought her lips to Addison's ear and whispered inaudibly, "Please don't die on me."


End file.
